I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
