Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
