So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
