i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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