What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
