I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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