Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
