watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
