im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
