Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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