highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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