never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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