you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize