ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
