I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
