I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
