Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
