please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
