Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
