You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
