I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
