just come out here and I will go home with you...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
