I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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