So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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