just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
