I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Your cock deserves a montage
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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