I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
