Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
