i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
