Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
