I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
