I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
