Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
