I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
