life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
