I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
