apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
