Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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