if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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