i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
