god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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