He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
