it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
