im having a threesome with these popsicles
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's like heaven, but drunker
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
