i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
