i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
