I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
