so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
