I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
