If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
