we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
