my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize