Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
this is an emotional support booty call
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
