why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
